Split Myself In Two

We all get the feeling that we want to go home sometimes. Even when we haven't left, we feel like we want to go back. We've been pushed away so much, we just want to be the way we were before.

Even so, we can't help but look back. Our lives are perpetually conflicted between yearning for the past and striving for the future, and this is what tears us apart.

M Ward - You Still Believe in Me

I sat on our couch one day, alone, when she came in. This was another night that she was out and I was in. It was kind of our thing. All our friends wondered how two best friends could be so different, with one striving for human contact and the other striving to avoid it. Truthfully, I couldn't bear to see her when we were out. I hated seeing her with other men. But I digress.

She walked in the door, visibly tipsy, but still making sense. Too much sense if you ask me.

After the requisite greetings and waiting for her to shed her jacket, she sat down on the couch beside me. A little closer than usual. My heart skipped a beat.

She told me of the night she had, the shooters, the guys, the dancing. Getting more and more drowsy as her story meandered on. Finally, her head drooped over and landed on my shoulder, her eyes closed.

"You know I love you, right?" she asked.

I was speechless. I love you too, I thought. I wanted to say it out loud.

"You've been my best friend for so long. I wish I could find somebody just like you."

That ain't enough I thought, you want me to run.

She turned her head towards me, opened her eyes the slightest bit, and gave me that smile that made me die inside.

"I almost feel like I've waited too long to have you"

No, you haven't I thought.

I waited what seemed like an eternity. I grappled with myself.

I didn't kiss her that night. I don't know why.

I should have.

I never had that chance again.

M Ward - Carolina

[I know this is yet another M Ward post. I'll try not to post another one for a while, but I can't promise another song won't grab my heart. Just bear with me, and I'll move on to someone else soon enough.]